Life in the After

May 20th 2006, I married my best friend. This year my best friend was dead on our anniversary. Dead. My person is gone. The hope for his earthly recovery is gone. My partner will never get to come home. We won't get any more chances. This year, on Saturday the 19th, Uncle Jon came and got the boys for a fun day. Thank God for Uncle Jon. He loves those boys with a big, fierce love and the feeling is mutual. The original plan was for a day for them at the river. The non-stop rain we have been having in VA made that impossible so they went to the Science Museum, out to lunch, to Game Stop, and back to the house to play. The boys are still talking about their day with him. He makes them laugh. It's the kind of laughter that fills all the empty parts of my heart, and there are so many empty parts now. Him coming down that day also gave me a day to take care of myself, which was a huge gift in itself. How lucky are we to have Uncle Jon. My friend Whitney ventured to Mechanicsvill...

"How lucky am I?" I thought to myself. I haven't thought that in quite some time, but Saturday I said that phrase to myself several times. We had a day that felt normal. Finally. Saturday morning the kiddos and I drove to Norfolk to spend the day with family. The weather was hot but beautiful. Bright blue skies with fluffy clouds. We met up with TT (Jenna), Asia, Uncle Jon, Auntie Emily, Halley, Ava, and JJ at Norfolk Botanical Gardens. Asia couldn't stay long because she had to go to work but she was there long enough for me to get in a few good hugs. We hopped on the tram and started our ride through the garden. Now, I love Lewis Ginter but it has nothing on Norfolk. They have the largest rose garden on the East Coast. As we drove by I just inhaled. That sweet, fragrant smell filled my soul. It was like a hug from Toni, a hug that I gladly accepted. There was a Lanterns of Asia exhibit going on so not only was there beautiful grounds to admire but also incredibl...

Tonight it is okay to be not okay. At 7:30 my mom gently asked if I had thought about what I wanted to give the boys for dinner. You mean the pop-tarts I let them eat an hour earlier don't count? So with a couple of taps on my phone greasy, cheesy food was on it's was to my house. Dinner? check. We have 2 diapers left at the house so that means first thing in the morning I need to drive to the store. That sucks but should be doable. Tonight I just can't be okay. My Godmother Toni is in the process of dying right now. And I just can't be okay. It has been just around 6 weeks since Dennis died and now, my Toni? Guess what God, I'm not happy. In fact I'm pissed. I am devastated. I am confused. And shocker, I can't process this at all. The day Dennis died was the day my Toni learned that her breast cancer had metastasized to her liver. No one was allowed to tell me, she made everyone promise not to tell me. Shortly after his funeral when I was on the phone pl...

There is so much going on in my brain right now. And at the same time there is nothing at all. Does that even make sense? Dennis has been gone about 6 weeks. 6 long weeks. Today is a tough day for Briton, he needed to "call in sad" from school today. So I let him. He's 9 and his daddy is dead, he's allowed sad days. He's outside enjoying the sunshine right now. He asked if we could go to Subway for lunch, he has a gift card and he said he wants to treat me. That kid is too much. He is so sad but he is still concerned about his mommy. As the days move on they have been getting harder. And heavier. So many people are helping us carry this weight around but some days it is still hard to even move it's so heavy. I have been toying with the thought of blogging about our journey thru this grief and today I decided it was just time. I don't want to forget all the happy that still happens every day while we walk this journey. All the funny, all the frustration...