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Not okay and that is alright

Tonight it is okay to be not okay. At 7:30 my mom gently asked if I had thought about what I wanted to give the boys for dinner. You mean the pop-tarts I let them eat an hour earlier don't count? So with a couple of taps on my phone greasy, cheesy food was on it's was to my house. Dinner? check. We have 2 diapers left at the house so that means first thing in the morning I need to drive to the store. That sucks but should be doable. Tonight I just can't be okay. My Godmother Toni is in the process of dying right now. And I just can't be okay. It has been just around 6 weeks since Dennis died and now, my Toni? Guess what God, I'm not happy. In fact I'm pissed. I am devastated. I am confused. And shocker, I can't process this at all.

The day Dennis died was the day my Toni learned that her breast cancer had metastasized to her liver. No one was allowed to tell me, she made everyone promise not to tell me. Shortly after his funeral when I was on the phone pleading with her to come stay with me for awhile since her treatments were to be completed soon she quietly cried and started to apologize. She couldn't come. She couldn't walk me through how to be a widow in person. She couldn't help me drag myself out of bed and be a mom. She couldn't take care of her Rach. She kept apologizing to me. She was the one with the cancer and she was apologizing to me. She wanted to be here but she couldn't, the cancer was back. We both cried. I told her it wasn't fair because she fought so hard. She agreed with me, it's not fair.

Last night I told Briton that Nana (she is everyone's Nana btw, she'd gladly be your Nana too) was dying. His face. What I saw was an expression that I don't have the vocabulary to describe. He cried and asked me "Why does everyone have to keep dying?'. I told him that I just didn't know why and we held each other for a while. This is so hard. I don't want this amazing woman who has walked with me through every phase of my life starting from infancy to now, to die. But I don't want her to suffer. I know she is surrounded by love, not just the immediate family who is surrounding her in person but in the hundreds of lives she has touched. I pray she feels it, I pray she feel our arms wrapped around her, loving her for all the special ways she has loved us. I pray that makes this transition easier for her. I'm asking you to pray for her as well, pray for her peace during all of this. She deserves peace more than anything, she is a woman who has given all of herself and more to those around her in hopes of bringing them a bit of piece.

So, tonight it is okay to not be okay.

-Rachael  

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