Life in the After

It's 1:30 in the morning. I am wide awake. The boys are both sleeping next to me, the dog and cat are at the bottom of the bed. We hurt and it feels easier to carry when we are close to each other. Next week is 5 months, it's not getting easier. It feels harder now that the reality of death is settling in, it's like a constant ache. An ache deep in my bones. When does it get better? How is missing him ever supposed to be okay? The boys and I are spending the last week of summer vacation at the beach with my Dad and Mary. I couldn't help it an tonight, this deep ache got to me, I started to cry and I called for Briton. I told him I needed a hug. His hugs are magic. He asked me why I was crying. I was honest, I told him as excited as I am about our vacation it hurts my heart thinking about how we are going to be creating more memories that Daddy won't be a part of. I also told him that it's good for Mommy to cry when she is feeling sad like this...we hugged a ...

It took 10 months for Dennis and I to get pregnant with Briton. While trying for Scoty we found out I had some fertility problems. It took about 2 years for us to get pregnant with him. We were at the stopping point when it finally happened. This was the family we prayed for. The family we worked hard for. The one where sex was sometimes a chore with an end goal. Spontaneity went out the window those last several months of trying. I had actually started medication for us to try for #3 when things started to go downhill. We were supposed to be parents together. Be a team. Be partners. I wasn't supposed to do this by myself. But here I am, teaching Scoty how to pee in the potty (success!) and count to 10 (we are almost there). Alone. Trying to convince Briton that deodorant is an everyday necessity (we aren't quite there yet) and teaching him how to be a good friend (he's a natural). Alone. I say alone but I know I have our village. God, grandparents, siste...

Saturday morning I woke up to Briton standing very close to the side of my bed with a very worried expression on his face. "Mommy, I need your help." You could just hear the stress dripping out of his voice. "What's wrong Bubs?" I asked, suddenly awake. "I can't find my iPod and I've been looking for an hour!" he told me. Really kid? I haven't slept past 7am in I don't know how long and this is why you are waking me up? I thought about rolling over and going back to sleep until Scoty woke (me) up...but he looked really upset so this mom got her butt out of bed. Brit had fallen asleep on the couch watching YouTube videos on his iPod the night before. There is an opening in our couch that eats things. They fall through and land inside the couch where your hands can't reach. I know this because one night my phone fell into this couch black hole and I had to cut a small hole into the underlay fabric (I'm not sure if that i...

May 20th 2006, I married my best friend. This year my best friend was dead on our anniversary. Dead. My person is gone. The hope for his earthly recovery is gone. My partner will never get to come home. We won't get any more chances. This year, on Saturday the 19th, Uncle Jon came and got the boys for a fun day. Thank God for Uncle Jon. He loves those boys with a big, fierce love and the feeling is mutual. The original plan was for a day for them at the river. The non-stop rain we have been having in VA made that impossible so they went to the Science Museum, out to lunch, to Game Stop, and back to the house to play. The boys are still talking about their day with him. He makes them laugh. It's the kind of laughter that fills all the empty parts of my heart, and there are so many empty parts now. Him coming down that day also gave me a day to take care of myself, which was a huge gift in itself. How lucky are we to have Uncle Jon. My friend Whitney ventured to Mechanicsvill...

"How lucky am I?" I thought to myself. I haven't thought that in quite some time, but Saturday I said that phrase to myself several times. We had a day that felt normal. Finally. Saturday morning the kiddos and I drove to Norfolk to spend the day with family. The weather was hot but beautiful. Bright blue skies with fluffy clouds. We met up with TT (Jenna), Asia, Uncle Jon, Auntie Emily, Halley, Ava, and JJ at Norfolk Botanical Gardens. Asia couldn't stay long because she had to go to work but she was there long enough for me to get in a few good hugs. We hopped on the tram and started our ride through the garden. Now, I love Lewis Ginter but it has nothing on Norfolk. They have the largest rose garden on the East Coast. As we drove by I just inhaled. That sweet, fragrant smell filled my soul. It was like a hug from Toni, a hug that I gladly accepted. There was a Lanterns of Asia exhibit going on so not only was there beautiful grounds to admire but also incredibl...

Tonight it is okay to be not okay. At 7:30 my mom gently asked if I had thought about what I wanted to give the boys for dinner. You mean the pop-tarts I let them eat an hour earlier don't count? So with a couple of taps on my phone greasy, cheesy food was on it's was to my house. Dinner? check. We have 2 diapers left at the house so that means first thing in the morning I need to drive to the store. That sucks but should be doable. Tonight I just can't be okay. My Godmother Toni is in the process of dying right now. And I just can't be okay. It has been just around 6 weeks since Dennis died and now, my Toni? Guess what God, I'm not happy. In fact I'm pissed. I am devastated. I am confused. And shocker, I can't process this at all. The day Dennis died was the day my Toni learned that her breast cancer had metastasized to her liver. No one was allowed to tell me, she made everyone promise not to tell me. Shortly after his funeral when I was on the phone pl...