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Alone.

It took 10 months for Dennis and I to get pregnant with Briton. While trying for Scoty we found out I had some fertility problems. It took about 2 years for us to get pregnant with him. We were at the stopping point when it finally happened. This was the family we prayed for. The family we worked hard for. The one where sex was sometimes a chore with an end goal. Spontaneity went out the window those last several months of trying. I had actually started medication for us to try for #3 when things started to go downhill.

We were supposed to be parents together. Be a team. Be partners.

I wasn't supposed to do this by myself.

But here I am, teaching Scoty how to pee in the potty (success!) and count to 10 (we are almost there). Alone.

Trying to convince Briton that deodorant is an everyday necessity (we aren't quite there yet) and teaching him how to be a good friend (he's a natural). Alone.

I say alone but I know I have our village. God, grandparents, sisters, soul sisters, aunts, uncles, our church family. But I feel alone because I don't have him. When it comes down to the responsibility and the choices regarding what is best I can get advice and opinions from the best of the best, but the final answer falls on my shoulders alone. Alone.

Dennis and I did not agree on everything when it came to how to raise our children so I try to hear his voice in my head when it comes to making decisions. I want him to be proud of us. But, I also know that at the end of the day I'm doing this alone and I need to be proud of my choices. 

And this shit is hard. Really, really hard. It feels different now then it did when we were separated. It's the absence of one thing. Hope. There is no longer hope that he will come back to us. There is no longer hope that he will find earthly recovery. The disease of addiction and mental illness stole him from himself and in turn stole him from his family. There is a difference between being a single mother vs. a widowed mother. And it sucks. The boys could still talk to him and see him on his good days. Now they have pictures and the stories that get shared with them. When I talk about Daddy with Scoty he tells me that Daddy is in Heaven then starts talking about Uncle Jon (ROCKSTAR Uncle btw, he is walking this journey with us....every step of the way). Brit doesn't like to talk about his Daddy because it makes him sad to remember that he isn't here anymore. It's hard to find a respectful medium because I want to talk about him all the time.

So, where one hope died a new hope was born. That we are still the Stewart Team. And we will get through this life and find joy and love on our way. That we will be of service to others and stand up for those without a voice. That we will make it. Even if our only choice is to do it alone.

Love,
Rachael

**Note-Blogs regarding Briton's thoughts are shared with Briton first and only published with his approval. 

 

Comments

  1. AnonJune 22, 2018 at 9:06 PM

    When you get rejected by the one you love the most, all hope is lost! To be told it's over and done, all hope is lost, when you are in the depths of despair and no one answer's your cry for help, all hope is lost!!. Now he's at peace and can see his boys every day for the rest of their lives!

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownJune 23, 2018 at 6:10 AM

    Hi Anon,
    If this comment is directed to place blame on me for not accepting MY husbands addiction and the chaos it was creating as an acceptable environment to raise OUR children in, then I'm sorry that you care so little for my children. THEY deserve better then a person who thinks so little of their well-being. Dennis knew why I made the choices I made. He did not want that life for Briton and Scoty either. I know that addiction is a disease and that he fought it as hard as he felt he could but that doesn't make the lifestyle that accompanies it a safe one. I never stopped loving him even when I hated who the disease made him become. Your first 3 sentences could have been written about how I felt and still feel. Rejected and abandoned, for what, a high that he actually hated but couldn't give up. I do believe he is finally at peace. I prayed for his peace for years. I hate that this is the way he found it.

    Keep hiding behind your screen Anon. You don't know the depths of pain that live in our past, present, and future reality.

    ReplyDelete

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