It's 1:30 in the morning. I am wide awake. The boys are both sleeping next to me, the dog and cat are at the bottom of the bed. We hurt and it feels easier to carry when we are close to each other.
Next week is 5 months, it's not getting easier. It feels harder now that the reality of death is settling in, it's like a constant ache. An ache deep in my bones. When does it get better? How is missing him ever supposed to be okay?
The boys and I are spending the last week of summer vacation at the beach with my Dad and Mary. I couldn't help it an tonight, this deep ache got to me, I started to cry and I called for Briton. I told him I needed a hug. His hugs are magic. He asked me why I was crying. I was honest, I told him as excited as I am about our vacation it hurts my heart thinking about how we are going to be creating more memories that Daddy won't be a part of. I also told him that it's good for Mommy to cry when she is feeling sad like this...we hugged a while longer. Then we made a beach bucket list. That's how we are surviving our summer, with lots of lists. Activities to fill the downtime. My friends joke about my busy schedule. Downtime is my downfall. That has become my motto this summer.
Dennis is all around me and he is no where at all. And that sucks. I want to see him. I want to hear his voice. I want to talk to him and have him talk back. I want to touch him. I beat myself up about not setting boundaries sooner. I think that maybe things would be different if I had. If, if, if....that is me living in fantasy and in fear. We hid our reality, I wonder...did we think we were hiding it from ourselves? At the end of the day, I miss my husband, my best friend, my partner. My kids miss their Daddy, their mentor, their guide. He was all of those things to us, we held on to those parts. And those are the parts we are clinging to right now.
Next week is 5 months, it's not getting easier. It feels harder now that the reality of death is settling in, it's like a constant ache. An ache deep in my bones. When does it get better? How is missing him ever supposed to be okay?
The boys and I are spending the last week of summer vacation at the beach with my Dad and Mary. I couldn't help it an tonight, this deep ache got to me, I started to cry and I called for Briton. I told him I needed a hug. His hugs are magic. He asked me why I was crying. I was honest, I told him as excited as I am about our vacation it hurts my heart thinking about how we are going to be creating more memories that Daddy won't be a part of. I also told him that it's good for Mommy to cry when she is feeling sad like this...we hugged a while longer. Then we made a beach bucket list. That's how we are surviving our summer, with lots of lists. Activities to fill the downtime. My friends joke about my busy schedule. Downtime is my downfall. That has become my motto this summer.
Dennis is all around me and he is no where at all. And that sucks. I want to see him. I want to hear his voice. I want to talk to him and have him talk back. I want to touch him. I beat myself up about not setting boundaries sooner. I think that maybe things would be different if I had. If, if, if....that is me living in fantasy and in fear. We hid our reality, I wonder...did we think we were hiding it from ourselves? At the end of the day, I miss my husband, my best friend, my partner. My kids miss their Daddy, their mentor, their guide. He was all of those things to us, we held on to those parts. And those are the parts we are clinging to right now.
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